The Bathroom Guys, I know you have dealt with this if you have either been married or have lived with a woman for a while. The Bathroom and the female occupation thereof. It isn't anything new or unique. Everyone has been there. Even Jimmy Stewart and Cary Grant have walked into stockings hanging from all over the ceiling. Henry VIII would have only married a couple of times if his wives had stayed out of his way in the bathroom. If Anne Boleyn had only known.
Now, you guys that have just gone away with her for a weekend or two don't really understand yet. You think that the bathroom was that way because she was out of her normal environment, unfamiliar circumstances, packing concerns, time constraints. That's right, that's all it is. You go right ahead thinking it won't be that way later. (heh,heh) And don't ever fall for the "There isn't enough drawers!" story. The Archimedes Principle of Relationships states that every drawer you empty will immediately fill back up with stuff you didn't even know she had. When you are young and early-on in your first live-in relationship you are interested in - even somewhat fascinated by - the Getting Ready process. After all, you have nothing else to do since you are ready in ten minutes and you have so much time to kill you could watch a Pay Per View and not feel like you wasted your money. But, out of loving respect, you stand in the doorway and make conversation...all the while wondering why she has to hold her mouth that way while she is putting on eye shadow. I mean...at least when we shave we have to hold our mouth that way to get all the stubble. Then, like the tenderfoot rookie that you are,
Later, there comes the day when you are at the sink and look down to see a little black speck of something on the counter. In an unusually tidy moment you think to yourself, "Hey. I'll clean that little speck off the counter." Proudly you reach down... unaware that you are about to unleash a power that nuclear fission specialists don't understand. The Mascara Speck. Einstein said that the Mascara Speck is the most mysteriously self-replicating compound known to man. One touch of the finger creates a black streak on the counter roughly the size of the bottom of a jar of moisturizer. So you put the moisturizer jar on top of the streak to cover it up. In another unusually tidy (though guilt driven) moment you decide to move the jar and finish cleaning up the mark. When you move the jar the bottom slides across the mark making it even larger. You try to clean up with your finger again and now the mark is growing exponentially. It takes three gallons of paint to redo your bedroom, but you can recolor an entire house with one mascara speck. Every jar on the counter now has the "black plague" on the bottom and each shift of the jars to clean one spot just creates more black marks until your entire bathroom looks like Al Jolson's face. Warning: DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE DURING THIS PROCESS....or you will start singing "Mammy" with your hands clenched in front of you. In a desperate search for some device or solution that will help end this and get the bathroom clean before "she" comes in...you open a cabinet door. Under the sink is the graveyard for all the beauty gizmos that were absolute necessities for about...ohhh...five days. The fingernail polish dryer... the steam set hair curlers... Ohhh, yeahhh. The Home Electrolysis Kit. That was interesting till she decided your offers to help were motivated by the pure torture that electrolysis induces. Then there is the Facial Steamer Moisturizer that looks like something Dr. Kervorkian would use. Hey...look...a sponge. Oops!! No, can't use those sponges. What the hell!! You decide to use a dry towel. So you use one that is handy and it actually works pretty well. Within a few minutes you finally get the counter top back in order. Exhausted from the process of cleaning up the mascara, you flop down on the toilet. Thank God your significant other has taught you how to put the toilet seat down or you would have fallen in. About that time she walks into the bathroom. "Honey, thanks for straightening up the counter it looks great. Hey, have you seen a towel that I had here. It is part of a monogrammed set I was giving to Mom and Dad at their anniversary party tonight." Don't move. Maybe she won't see you. I dated a woman once that got on to me about the toilet seat. So I started being more conscious about putting the seat and the lid back down. Then she started telling me that I should just put the seat down and leave the lid up. Wait a minute now. I understood that putting it all down made the bathroom look neat and orderly but I didn't get this one at all. She told me that was the way it was "supposed" to be - seat down, lid up. I shut up. I had already learned. |
