Spoiler or Partner?

The other day I was on the phone with a friend and part of the conversation involved some of her recent business dealings. She was signing a contract with a company and was talking to the owner of that company about the contract. She let him know that there were several aspects of the contract that didn't protect his company very well and that she could make a few suggestions that would make the contract much more equitable. She said that his response to her suggestion was very negative and that he seemed now to be very short with her about their business dealings.

I asked her if she had considered the fact that he had written the agreement, that he had considered its ramifications and that he was responsible for protecting his company from harm. She caught on immediately and said, "Basically, I was telling him he was a bad businessman. Wasn't I ?" Yes...you was.(sic)

I brought up a point that I had attempted to make in "The Santa Claus Syndrome."

What was that point ? That people will protect their own decisions and positions with ardor, because those decisions are Theirs. You can say what you want about your own children....but let someone else badmouth them and that person will have to see a proctologist to get whatever was close to you at the moment removed from their...well, point made. So, just like it is their baby, people like to think that what comes from within them is precious.

Sometimes, we are so experienced in a particular area and so used to making/taking quick decisions/actions that we forget that there are others involved that are not quite so prepared for that decision or action. If we are depending on that person to get what we want....then we must first convince them - in their way, not ours - of the need for change.

The wagon will not go faster than the slowest horse in the team.

We know we really can't make headway with someone if one, or both, of the parties is in "defense" mode. If we approach an issue by telling someone they have "screwed up", then they will automatically go into a defensive mode and be less likely to hear anything else you say...regardless of its value. We must find a way to present our information in a manner that will not inflame the other person. Failing that, we must be prepared to recognize when we have caused that response in another and alter our approach to reduce their defensiveness before trying a new tact. We must also be in tune with ourselves to recognize when we are being put in a defensive state of mind.

I remember talking to customers that had complaints about our products and services. Every now and then somebody would want something (usually money) for an issue over something that we felt we were not responsible for. i.e - I had the "moral high ground." I noticed that inevitably when "my" company was being "attacked" in some way, I would go into a defense mode. It was almost always on the phone and yet I could feel my body posture change, my jaw would tighten and I would lean forward in my chair. When I recognized these physical changes in me I understood that mentally I was no longer thinking as a wise arbiter. I would kindly explain to the customer that I had heard them, that I always liked to consider such issues off the phone, that I would call them back within an hour, after having deliberated with myself (Stan).

It is so much easier to think of a problem from a neutral viewpoint when you are not in "the heat of battle". As soon as I hung up the phone I could sit back in my chair, relaxed....the only combatant present was me. I was able to regain a (relatively) neutral mental position and begin to evaluate the situation from both sides once again. I do not remember any time, after using this method, that I did not at least meet the customer halfway. And, I do not remember any time, after using this method, that I felt that the customer was not happy - if not with my decision - at least with the way I had treated them and the thoughtful manner in which I had considered their request.

Kill the messenger.

When you point out someone's mistaken decision, they will be defensive. If you are able to overcome the defensive position and prove them wrong, then they will be defeated. Either way you will be seen as an opponent or spoiler. And this feeling won't just apply at the moment of victory, but every time they see you or think of you in the future. Pass them in the hall two months later and they will have a pull in their stomach and a frown on their face.

Rather walk beside them and carefully lead them to their own discovery of their own error and then their discovery of a different way. Then, instead of a spoiler, you will be a co-discoverer and then a partner. Later, when you pass in the hall, there will be a smile and more likely a memory of the many things you have collaborated on since that first time you worked that problem out "together."

Often people know they are inadequate in certain respects and quite often they know that what they are doing is not working. Even in such conditions, human pride does not typically allow them delight in accepting the responsibility of a mistaken decision.

Help them shoulder the weight of the mistake. Give them a way that they can maintain their pride and dignity. Even if, to you, it doesn't seem like that it should be a necessity, even if they don't "deserve" it, and even if no one has ever done the same thing for you.